I wish you had a hobby

August 4, 2012

I imagine my senior years enjoying all of the hobbies I wish I had time to do now. Like painting and crafts, reading and rock hounding, gardening and cooking. But Mom has no interest in anything. I try to get her to do puzzles or coloring books. But she is bored and not interested in anything but watching tv. Mornings when the weather is nice I take her outside to watch me as I garden or swim in the pool. I bought her a swimsuit but have yet to get her into the pool with me. It’s always too cold in her mind even when it’s 118 degrees outside and the pool water is close to 90. But at least I get her outside away from the tv. More than anything she still just wants to go home. I know it’s a sign she is tired, frustrated and confused. But now it starts when she wakes up in the morning and goes on all day long. It represents wanting to leave this life. She wants to be home with Jesus. Heaven is the only home that will satisfy her now. So I tell her Daddy and Jesus are working out the arrangements but it will be awhile yet so she needs to stay with me until the time is right. We talk about how Daddy is good at finding a nice home for her and all of the homes he has bought. I think when I say Daddy she is thinking of her father now because her husband seems to have faded from her memory. Even grey haired pictures of herself are not recognizable to her – they are another relative.  We have discussed medications to control the rage and attempts to leave the house to go home. Her doctor says if we increase the anti-psychotic drug it will induce tremors. Already she has a little bit of that showing in her shaking hands. I wonder if we should have never taken the action to fix her defective heart five years ago or the aneurism four years ago or taken her to the hospital for the heart attack a year ago. Perhaps she would have been happier to not live in this anxiety laden state day after day. It is a cruel disease this long goodbye.